My Cancel Culture is Not Your Cancel Costume

As a liberal, woke-ist, transgendered, sex-denying, intersectional-feminist, anti-racist, anti-fascist, plant-owning, vegetarian-soy-enthusiast, disability & learning difficulties supporter & ardent disliker of the new UK “alt-alt-right” — I love nothing more than seeing a gross little Jordan Peterson Stan, or TERF get cancelled into oblivion. I love seeing their Twitter profiles get blocked, removed & then digitally incinerated — and I adore it when they’re denied access from their local internet café because there is now a picture of them hanging up behind the counter which reads “DO NOT ALLOW THIS PERSON TO ACCESS AOL. DO NOT LET THEM USE THE PRINTER FOR HATRED!”.

If there’s one thing I love to do, it’s cancel. People, unused gym memberships, free trials of Tinder Premium. It doesn’t matter to me — I’m cancelling out the wazoo ova’ here. People are the best though. I see something I disagree with, and I report it immediately — even if it isn’t that important. I once tried to cancel someone for disagreeing with me about the latest Charlie XCX album. You don’t Stan our kween 100%? Cancelled bitch. Get offa my internet.

Recently I tried to cancel my local postman for leaving too many elastic bands on the pavement. I phoned his place of work (Post Office) and I told them that his impact on our Mother Earth Gaia was palpable. Unfortunately, they didn’t do a fucking thing about it. #CancelThePostOffice anyone? Come on, let’s get this trending.

When someone is successfully cancelled, I feel euphoric. I have to go and have a lie-down on my bed because I’m so overwhelmed with joy. I cackle to myself, and think: I don’t even do this out of principle. It’s my culture. My Cancel-Culture.

Which leads me to my point. This week, I’ve noticed more and more that some of the biggest defenders of “free speech” (my mortal enemies, btw. I think free speech should be outlawed, including this very article you’re reading right now. Where do I get off, honestly?) have been engaging in cancel culture. MY Cancel Culture. Erm… excuse me? You what now?

If it isn’t Janey Godley being hounded away from Twitter for old tweets, or JK Rowling suing someone for quote-tweeting them, or Judith Butler being censored in The Guardian… it feels like the times, they are a changin’ (Bob Dylan. Needs cancelling, btw).

This can’t stand, honestly. I have 2 passions: fashion & cancelling — and if I lose cancelling, I’m going to have to focus primarily on fashion and I’ll be honest, I haven’t quite honed that passion as much. What I’m saying is, get your greasy meat hooks off of my Cancel Culture! It’s OURS. Stick to what ya’ll do best — transphobia, racism & austerity.

Anyways, you TERFy right wing dorks haven’t quite perfected the art yet. You’re still in your infancy. It’s all a bit “ironic” you know what I mean? Where’s your passion? Where’s your reckless abandon based on years of frustration at being othered? Sorry Cathy, you’re just not that good at it yet.

I mean, how would you like it if I started quoting Neo-Nazis & dressing like a potato in a primary school diorama? That’s YOUR culture, and this is MINE.